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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I entered the final week of my thirties yesterday, so by this time next week, my life should have truly begun. And about time too. Unfortunately, my options for a mid-life crisis are pretty limited as I can't afford a sports car and don't have the energy for an affair, so instead I've started French kissing my daughter.

As it happens, kissing is quite a big thing in this house. Only yesterday, Amelie threw a complete tantrum because I kissed Toby goodnight before she did. As a general rule, nobody's allowed to leave the flat or get in and out of bed without snogging the rest of the family, and Amelie always has to be first. The problem last night was that just before puckering up at bedtime, Toby had the ill manners to throw up, which put Amelie off kissing him. Fortunately I'm far less fussy. So I gave him a peck on the forehead as Lisa wiped his chops, and Amelie immediately kicked off.

I eventually quelled that rebellion by promising that she can kiss her brother twice tonight, but the other potential minefield is the delicate choice of wording at bedtime. Anyone who bids Toby goodnight with the same words as Amelie can expect to feel the sharp edge of her tongue. And not in a French kissing way. She generally says "Nighty-night Whoably Woo, I love you", which might not sound like the kind of phrase you'd want to copy, but if she catches even the slightest whiff of plagiarism (the words 'nighty-night' can be dangerous), you'll be in serious trouble. I've resorted to saying "See ya, son" just to avoid any problems.

The French kissing, though, is a new thing. I have to kiss all three members of my family before being allowed to leave for work in the morning (and then again if I come home for lunch), so in an attempt to spice up our lives with a bit of variety, I told Amelie yesterday morning that in France they kiss each other on both cheeks instead of just one, and then demonstrated by giving her a chat-show-style, showbiz luvvie greeting.

Unfortunately, the bit she remembered was the word 'France'. So when I was about to leave for work this morning, she shouted "Daddy! I want you to give me a French kiss again!". And she was standing by the wide-open balcony door at the time. It'll be all over the estate by nightfall. And she's probably told everyone at nursery this afternoon. So I'm all set to start my forties in a prison cell.