Subscribe: Subscribe to me on YouTube

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Every birth needs an official photographer, and fortunately ours arrived within hours...

From this point onwards, there's more than one Big Sis in my life...

And she holds a baby better than she holds a cat...

If that was Chloe, she'd have cut off the oxygen supply to the brain by now. She tends to support the head by means of a vice-like grip on the neck.

But on the subject of extreme physical violence, let me tell you about Lisa's experience of birth. If you've ever seen an episode of 'One Born Every Minute' where a dodgy character from a council estate arrives on the labour ward, flips out, and starts threatening all the staff, then you can skip this bit and just look at the photos.

After a weekend of frustration, Lisa finally went into labour at about 3am on Sunday night. She woke me up at 3:45am, but having assessed the situation carefully and concluded that it was the middle of the bloody night, I went back to sleep until five-thirty. By 6:30am, things seemed to have moved on rapidly, so Lisa phoned the hospital, and they agreed to let us go in for assessment.

By the time we got there, the contractions were every few minutes, but not as intense as the midwife wanted, so having examined Lisa and found that she was still only 2cm dilated, they sent us home again, saying it could be quite a while yet. That was at 7:45am. Readers of yesterday's blog post will know the accuracy of that statement.

So we returned home, and Lisa invited her sister over to give her a second person to punch. Less than three hours later, she said she wanted to go back to hospital, which seemed a bit premature to me, but frankly I'd rather argue with Mike Tyson in a mood than Lisa in labour, so I agreed. We got there just after 11am, and after a lot of faffing about in the triage section, they finally examined Lisa at 11:30am and found that she was almost 10cm dilated and about to give birth.

It was at that point that things got interesting. Lisa might look like a mild-mannered Mother Earth...

... but deny her an epidural, and she could take on Charles Bronson in a prison riot.

As a general rule, Lisa's quite big on pain relief, so she was asking for an epidural from the moment we walked through the door. Unfortunately, by the time they examined her, the window of opportunity was so small, and the anaesthetist so busy, that it soon became clear it was unlikely. Although I don't think that gives you the right to attack a midwife with the gas & air pipe.

As it transpired, getting Lisa onto a bed was a lot like treating Shimmy with Frontline. Not only was she hard to pin down, but there was every chance she'd slash your jugular if you tried to grab her by the wrists. At one point she reacted to the midwife's instructions by screaming "You're having a laugh!" in a crazed voice, which would have been funny, had she not been ripping the flesh off her sister's arm at the time.

Before she was onto the bed, Lisa's waters broke (suddenly, and all over our feet), and the liquid was full of meconium, which suggests the baby could be distressed. Having struggled to get a heart monitor onto a pregnant woman who's liable to hit you in the face with a gas inhaler the moment you venture within three feet of her stomach, the midwife finally checked Toby's pulse, and found it to be a bit low. She called for help, at which point things started happening very quickly.

Lisa hadn't even begun pushing at this point, but just as they asked her to try, Toby's heart rate suddenly dropped from a low 112 bpm to an alarming 60 bpm. One midwife shouted for a doctor, while the other shouted at Lisa to push as much as she possibly could, saying that we had to get the baby out now.

To my astonishment (and, I think, that of the midwives) it worked. Lisa pushed for two minutes, and Toby popped right out. The doctor hadn't even arrived yet, which was a shame, as Lisa's sister had some flesh wounds that needed attention. Not only was there meconium in the amniotic fluid, but Toby did a poo as he was delivered, which is a sign of extreme stress. Although it's something he'll have to get used to, living in this house.

As a result, they informed us that he needed to be monitored every two hours for the first twelve hours, to check that he hasn't developed Meconium Aspiration Syndrome. I told them he's a Gardner; he's not going to have aspirations. And it appears I was right. Each two-hourly check turned out to be fine.

So far, in fact, he's been the perfect baby. Although I'm writing this at 7am with no idea how the night went. Like his sister before him, he had no trouble feeding, and spent most of yesterday refusing to be separated from the breast. As long as you keep him topped up with warm milk, he's no trouble. The same goes for Lisa...

Needless to say, the hospital kept them in overnight, partly to monitor Toby, but mainly to give Lisa a chance to apologise to all the staff. I must admit, having seen Lisa swear at a midwife, and then try to garrotte her with a gas tube whilst slapping her in the face, I realise why they have panic buttons in every room. I'll be picking them up at 9am with a car seat and some handcuffs.


David East said...

Many congratulations.

Phil's Mum said...

Yes, congratulations on still being alive! You did well to put Lisa's sister between you and her. Anyone reading this blog, who is of child-bearing age, will be booking an appointment for sterilisation today. I'm so glad it doesn't include me.

Pookey said...

Congratulations s I am luving the update and especially the excitement I get this end. You do make me laugh. Wishing you all the best x So glad I cant have no more x

Zed said...

Amelie looks so proud, that's lovely.

I was very quiet and polite while giving birth.  You'd know it just looking at me, wouldn't you?  And no pain relief, obv.  I'm still a bit broody, actually, even now.  But the Sage is too old.

Kristy said...

"He's a Gardner. He's not going to have aspirations." Very well said. And I like the fact that when you share a birthday cake in the future, you'll still get first dibbs.

Phil said...

That was my first thought too. And thank you all for the congratulations!

Anonymous said...

If you decide they are be sure to its effect. Dried
coconut is a good source of Vitamin B weight loss pills 15 year old 1-6-12, magnesium,
calcium, and increasing your hemoglobin levels.
Just continue to masturbate without trying to last longer in bed, increasing the sexual stimulation.
Fast forward to 1997. So, we can reconstruct the typical pathways
that people take drugs to balance.

My web blog ... what is the acai berry diet