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Sunday, June 12, 2005

It's almost a year to the day since I upset regional weather fans with a damning indictment of Julie Reinger's peach trouser suit. One year on, and I'm at it again. Only this time it's not Look East fans who want to kill me, it's regression therapists. It seems that my mention of daytime TV's biggest charlatan, Andrea Foulkes, on Friday didn't go down too well with the reincarnationists.

Someone arrived here last night after searching for Ms Foulkes' name, and sent me THIS e-mail via the Phil-Mail-o-Matic...

"Hi Phil

I think that seeing as you seem very opinionated in this life you should undertake regression to find out where your very negative attitudes to other people whom you have never met have come from. Regression therapy if you care to know heal's many imbalances in your energy field, and therefore heal's many of physical and mental ailment's.Seeing you have gone to such an effort to build such a big website it's a shame it is not put to use in helping humanity to become less negative,kinder and more caring."

It was sent shortly before 9:30pm, so the author clearly isn't a Big Brother fan. It's probably Lesley from Huddersfield, at a loose end after her eviction. Interestingly, this person with a balanced energy field also seems to have missed the links to my homepage and e-mail address, and had to return to a search engine and enter the words 'Phil Gardner' in order to arrive at my main website and find my contact details. But hey, we can't all be enlightened souls. It's just a good job they didn't find the Telly Critic post where I talk about Andrea's annoying voice, and call Lisa I'Anson a nasty piece of work. Then I'd really be in trouble.

But luckily for me, the sender of this e-mail (who clearly thinks that anything with an 's' needs an apostrophe) had time to pause for reflection, and having mellowed out for ten minutes, sent me this second message:

"I hope you know your legal position on using someone's name to link to your site and making accusation's that are not true. I think that is called slander, and defamation of character.I trust that you, see sense before i take legal advice on the matter on Monday.

Sending much Love and light to your misguided soul."

Hmmm... the legal position on someone doing a search for 'Andrea Foulkes' and clicking on the link that Google provides..? It's a tough one. I could be goin' daaaaaaan.

Fortunately, although my correspondent didn't own up to having a name, he/she did provide an e-mail address, the first part of which is 'secretoflight'. Which I read as 'secret o' flight' (the answer being 'flap your wings really hard'), before realising the error of my ways. So as someone who finds it impossible to ignore a good e-mail, I've just drafted this sensitive response:

"Dear Secret of Light,

I can only apologise. In most of my past lives I was quite open to the idea of regression therapy. It's only in my current incarnation that I think it's a load of rubbish. But I promise I'll try harder in the next one.

Thanks for the love and light,


I can only hope that heal's all the ailment's I've caused.